Freedom

Fluffy and contemplative

I want to have the freedom to make suggestions at work without my white male bosses becoming defensive, protective of the company, and ultimately shooting me down. I want to have the freedom to tell people the truth without fear, shame or the worry of hurting their delicate feelings. I want to have the freedom to walk down my street at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday without people calling me crazy and "asking for trouble." I want to have the freedom to shop in any store without being followed, drive down any road without being stared at, and talk to anyone I want without being made to feel a fool or be chastised for aiming too high.

Edgar Friendly summed it up for me in 1996 during an incredible speech in Demolition Man:

"You see, according to Cocteau's plan I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green jello all over my body reading playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've seen the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener.""

I feel you, Mr. Friendly. Why am I afraid to speak up? At work, I'm afraid that my bosses will get angry, or even more defensive, or just plain fire me because they don't like uppity negroes at their polite, Lite-Brite company. With my ex whom I cannot shake, it's because I don't want him to completely hate me and forever refer to me as "that bitch he dated in high school and for some reason for a bit in college." With my friends, it's because I don't want to be mean or hurt their feelings or make them feel stupid. With my sisters, I tell them the truth.

So there's just oppression everywhere - from society I'm not free to go, do, speak, or anything else when I want because society is messed up. A woman gets raped - well, why was she wearing that and at a bar? A woman gets mugged - well, why was she out jogging by herself so late? A woman sits at her own desk and works with a neutral expression - "Are you okay? You seem upset."

Nowadays, I feel like we're all each other's enemies. Why? Because we're in a global catch-22 where everyone wants to be different and special and successful, but we're all afraid and too similar and failing miserably. I want to make bad decisions and potentially not learn from them. I want to go to mass and then walk the National Mall barefoot because I always leave mass feeling happy and fulfilled.

I want to be free. I want to be free from opinions, people, society, structure, the 9-5 grind, and perhaps most importantly, my own hesitations. So now I need to climb out of my debt hole so I can move to my own island/jungle/desert/tundra/grassy knoll hideaway Thoreau-style and be free. I want to travel without baggage restrictions. I want to practice my violin at 2 a.m. on a Thursday without passive-aggressive sticky notes being left on my apartment door the next day. I want candy and sugar and cake and real, full sugar sweet tea. I want love, peace, anger, and neuroses. I want to live a life that's worth living and to die a glorious death.

I want freedom.

Frolicking freely on a green rooftop at Georgetown University